12.01.2004
the most recent (see: stupid) development in our ongoing (see: futile) war on terror is jeopardizing my constitutionally-protected right to take blurry cell phone pictures while riding the new york city subway system. according to the boys down at the nyc metro brain trust, those doughy tourists wearing their four-for-ten-bucks-john-lennon-"imagine" T-shirts while taking digital photos of their child getting "sea sick" on the uptown 9 train might actually be collecting valuable terrorist-related data, including, but not limited to, how many "learn english" flyers it takes to effectively cover up a standard issue subway deodorant advertisement.
mind you, i'm no expert on terror, but someone might want to refer the metro brain trust to their own website (nycsubway.org) wherein any potential baddie who can afford a library card has access to "over 11,000 photos of the subway lines, past and present, and over 17,000 more of transit systems worldwide."
my guess is that, unless we're dealing with a renegade band of legally blind terrorists who require tactile confirmation of a subway car's seating chart, the photo ban might fall under the category of One More Insane, Not To Mention Completely Unenforceable, Law That Other Countries Will Laugh At.
luckily, yours truly ran into my favorite musician in the world before the ban was announced and was legally able to take a photo of him, soon to be part of a coffee table book documenting his greatness. here he is, Blind Staggering Russian Accordian Guy (please note that he is staggering not due to his blindness, but, rather, due to vodka):
the english language scientists have yet to invent a word powerful enough to describe a vintage B.S.R.A.G. performance (five of which i've been privileged enough to witness so far), but take my word for it; this man is more rock and roll than all five members of linkin park dipped in electrified Radical Sauce.
typically, he'll enter the train, accordion loosely around neck, and proceed to viciously whack every ankle in the entire car with his hardened steel cane. this gives neophyte audience members the impression that he is either officially not-blind and aiming for them, or that over the years he has pinpointed a previously unknown low frequency hum that ankles make, and is aiming for them.
either way, it's rock and roll.
his next move is usually a knee to the groin of a nearby passenger when he loses his balance while adjusting his accordion strap and falls (loudly) into the nearest lap. at this point, the train is hurtling its commuter payload at top speed, shifting unpredictably underneath his feet, so it's a perfect time to abandon his only balancing aid, the cane, and prepare to rock the hell out.
while it may be true that B.S.R.A.G. has only one song - and it's 20 seconds long, and it's probably a cover of some song called "the balalaika and the baboushka" or something, and it's being played on an instrument that was clearly invented as a joke - at least the song is never played the same way twice. this is not due to any actual musical talent, mind you, but because every time the subway slows down, speeds up, or, frankly, moves, the big russian falls violently into one of his audience members, resulting in completely unnecessary crescendos and sudden key changes, reinventing musical composition with every flying elbow drop.
by this point in the performance, two things happen: (1) the train is slowing down rapidly, meaning that the russian starts to involuntarily jog towards the front of the car while playing the tune of Shin Kick in B Minor; i've actually seen people curl up or kneel on the seats in a futile effort to avoid the inevitable assault on their lower legs, and (2) the stench of cheap vodka begins to sting your eyes.
traditionally, subway performers tend to take up a collection before people get a chance to leave the train. however, as a big middle finger to logic and/or capitalism, B.S.R.A.G. waits for the train to come to a complete stop, the doors to open, and ninety percent of his audience to leave. then, in a voice that can only be described as unbelievably ka-booming, he belts out in a ludicrous russian accent, "YOUR DONATIONS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED."
but they are clearly not.
a voice of this volume and intensity is not announcing that donations are accepted... he's announcing that they just became mandatory. because, frankly, he's really scary. but rock and roll is supposed to be scary, dammit. true connoisseurs fish out anything of value from their pockets and deposit whatever they come up with into a small burlap bag he keeps on his hip. i'm guessing he gets all sorts of lighters and house keys in a given day because people panic and just throw in whatever they have handy.
i wish i could give more. it's small price to pay.
nathan filibustered at 5:55:00 PM
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the most recent (see: stupid) development in our ongoing (see: futile) war on terror is jeopardizing my constitutionally-protected right to take blurry cell phone pictures while riding the new york city subway system. according to the boys down at the nyc metro brain trust, those doughy tourists wearing their four-for-ten-bucks-john-lennon-"imagine" T-shirts while taking digital photos of their child getting "sea sick" on the uptown 9 train might actually be collecting valuable terrorist-related data, including, but not limited to, how many "learn english" flyers it takes to effectively cover up a standard issue subway deodorant advertisement.
mind you, i'm no expert on terror, but someone might want to refer the metro brain trust to their own website (nycsubway.org) wherein any potential baddie who can afford a library card has access to "over 11,000 photos of the subway lines, past and present, and over 17,000 more of transit systems worldwide."
my guess is that, unless we're dealing with a renegade band of legally blind terrorists who require tactile confirmation of a subway car's seating chart, the photo ban might fall under the category of One More Insane, Not To Mention Completely Unenforceable, Law That Other Countries Will Laugh At.
luckily, yours truly ran into my favorite musician in the world before the ban was announced and was legally able to take a photo of him, soon to be part of a coffee table book documenting his greatness. here he is, Blind Staggering Russian Accordian Guy (please note that he is staggering not due to his blindness, but, rather, due to vodka):
the english language scientists have yet to invent a word powerful enough to describe a vintage B.S.R.A.G. performance (five of which i've been privileged enough to witness so far), but take my word for it; this man is more rock and roll than all five members of linkin park dipped in electrified Radical Sauce.
typically, he'll enter the train, accordion loosely around neck, and proceed to viciously whack every ankle in the entire car with his hardened steel cane. this gives neophyte audience members the impression that he is either officially not-blind and aiming for them, or that over the years he has pinpointed a previously unknown low frequency hum that ankles make, and is aiming for them.
either way, it's rock and roll.
his next move is usually a knee to the groin of a nearby passenger when he loses his balance while adjusting his accordion strap and falls (loudly) into the nearest lap. at this point, the train is hurtling its commuter payload at top speed, shifting unpredictably underneath his feet, so it's a perfect time to abandon his only balancing aid, the cane, and prepare to rock the hell out.
while it may be true that B.S.R.A.G. has only one song - and it's 20 seconds long, and it's probably a cover of some song called "the balalaika and the baboushka" or something, and it's being played on an instrument that was clearly invented as a joke - at least the song is never played the same way twice. this is not due to any actual musical talent, mind you, but because every time the subway slows down, speeds up, or, frankly, moves, the big russian falls violently into one of his audience members, resulting in completely unnecessary crescendos and sudden key changes, reinventing musical composition with every flying elbow drop.
by this point in the performance, two things happen: (1) the train is slowing down rapidly, meaning that the russian starts to involuntarily jog towards the front of the car while playing the tune of Shin Kick in B Minor; i've actually seen people curl up or kneel on the seats in a futile effort to avoid the inevitable assault on their lower legs, and (2) the stench of cheap vodka begins to sting your eyes.
traditionally, subway performers tend to take up a collection before people get a chance to leave the train. however, as a big middle finger to logic and/or capitalism, B.S.R.A.G. waits for the train to come to a complete stop, the doors to open, and ninety percent of his audience to leave. then, in a voice that can only be described as unbelievably ka-booming, he belts out in a ludicrous russian accent, "YOUR DONATIONS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED."
but they are clearly not.
a voice of this volume and intensity is not announcing that donations are accepted... he's announcing that they just became mandatory. because, frankly, he's really scary. but rock and roll is supposed to be scary, dammit. true connoisseurs fish out anything of value from their pockets and deposit whatever they come up with into a small burlap bag he keeps on his hip. i'm guessing he gets all sorts of lighters and house keys in a given day because people panic and just throw in whatever they have handy.
i wish i could give more. it's small price to pay.
nathan filibustered at 5:55:00 PM
at the podium.
name: ..nathan..
shoes: thin, uncomfortable
sleeping in: queens (the city, not Latifah)
mirror: :rorrim
throws: righty
current crush: young britt eckland
lunch: i'm into brunch now
cohorts.
=audio science=
=LL Robot=
=Hasser Vision=
=Seanbaby=
archives.
11.04 12.04 01.05 02.05 03.05 04.05 05.05 06.05 07.05 08.05 09.05 10.05 11.05 12.05 01.06 06.06 01.07
talk to me Goose.